As the work piles up like a growing stack of blocks, I hit rock bottom with no idea of action or intent or purpose. I consider myself sincerely selfish but people tell me my intentions are often borne out of love and care i.e. I am a beautiful person at heart.
I should be happy knowing people really like me, but somewhere I can't seem to tune the wires of my precious brain into parallel lines. They are tangled like a mess of wires lying in the attic gathering dust.
For starters, I am jealous. Jealous of success (of others obviously), of achievements and all the gold medals people bring back home to their mummas and papas. Recently, my jealous streak has shifted to an insanely higher level, thanks to my peers doing extremely well. I have a respectable job, earn an amount which is not at par with others but definitely not so low that I can't live comfortably, I stay in a beautiful house and love all things random and beautiful - from chocolates in a fridge to my novels. Yes, I ought to be content with my life for the way it's shaping up. I am trying something new, a different path, which makes my life all the more challenging and exciting.
But there is the factor of jealousy that resides in an unknown place and comes to haunt me - from the middle of a telephonic conversation to a small thought that's blown out of proportion.
In such times, I am gripped by what is known as 'you-are-nowhere' talk. A creepy little side to me loves to see me drown myself in negative feelings and pulls me down to a sinking level of unimaginable depth. And the tiny creature/voice has power over my nice and perfectly normal feelings. It's a very uneasy interruption in my casual flow of thoughts.
Its power is immense. A lot of optimists would tell me 'You have the power in your hands'. Yes, I very well know my life's power is in my hands - but what about these times when all the power of the world seems to have disappeared into outer space?
I can control the effect of jealousy but the initial milli-second response to someone's achievements is terrible. I try not to let the factor of jealousy go to my head, for that is the art of controlling your emotions. Yet I fail miserably certain times. And those are the times when my failures are highlighted in colors worse than neon lights, and my image is reduced to that of a small, sad beast.
I certainly have to pretend I am happy for people around me; if I show my jealousy they will think I am evil and can't be genuine for someone’s success. So this rotten feeling eats me up from within, and my thoughts drown me even further. Sometimes it takes a minute to snap out of it, other times it haunts me for days in a row.
It is the way of the mankind to be jealous of others' achievements. What really bothers us are the accolades of ones whom we know real close and maybe sometimes have thought of ourselves better to them.
ReplyDeleteIn fact I was myself caught in a thought sometime back about how to cope with success of my friends and then I realized why was I not getting any answers. That was because I was probably asking the wrong question.
I know it would take an ideal person in the Ayn Rand world to be not bothered by anything that anybody else does, but all it takes to be content with self is to realize what makes you happy or proud of yourself and be doing it.
There is indeed a thin line between being happy or pretending to be happy. For instance, take a photographer. Isn't it the joy of going out in nature and capturing things that makes him happy or will a prize on one of his photographs make him the happiest man on the planet.
And for most of us, who cant find the real joy in life, we have the normal amitabh bachchan-shashi kapoor dialogue: "tere paas jo bhi ho, mere paas maa hai!"
I like your example of a photographer. I have a friend who is an artist, and he paints for the love of painting, but he wants the recognition as well.
ReplyDeleteI feel most of us start off on something based on our mere liking and passion, but that sometimes turns into a deeper desire to 'prove' one's worth through that medium itself.
"I feel most of us start off on something based on our mere liking and passion, but that sometimes turns into a deeper desire to 'prove' one's worth through that medium itself."
ReplyDelete- I think this is true. Actually most of us realize our passion or the source of joy quite early in life. But as we grow up, seeing others craving for fame/recognition, we are somewhat misdirected.
p.s. contrary to my remarks, i do seek others' acknowledgement to my work.
The fact that you know that feeling makes you uncomfortable sets you above the rest.
ReplyDelete